Friday, November 12, 2010

A Word On SOs

During all of our med school interviews and tours we kept hearing about the SO (significant others) clubs. I was so excited for the many activities they talked about: decorating the studs' cars during class, eating lunch with them, lunches together with other SOs, etc. Mostly though I was excited about the camaraderie that was ensured with such a club. Surely women going through such a trying time together couldn't help but form a strong bond amongst each other. I was sure that  I could handle the Stud being gone for so many hours, as long as I had these intimate friends to go through the process with.

Well. With so many tours and interviews, I failed to notice that one school didn't mention any such club. A few months later, we were attending that same school. When I realized there was no organized SO club I was highly disappointed, but determined to still make my bosom friends.

I put the Stud to work, finding other studs with SOs. I got phone numbers and e-mails. I looked through the Stud's class Facebook page for students with SOs. (creepy, I know) I hosted an ice cream social at my home, and a lot of SOs came! It was there that I learned every single med couple had kids.

Again, at first I was disappointed. In my experience, couples with babies don't normally associate with couples without babies. (Or maybe couples without babies don't normally associate with couples with babies. Either way, it happens.) But, I was still determined. I invited some of the SOs and their kids over for lunch. Twice. All of my hosting allowed the other moms to meet each other, talk about babies, and plan play dates. 

And that was the end of it. For me, at least. Now, whenever there is a big event and everyone gets together, the wife-moms always spend the whole time talking about recent mom-kid get-togethers. I spent some time being jealous, some time being sad, and now I am spending some time being happy for the wife-moms - it really is wonderful that they have found their medwife bosom friends. I guess it's just not for me.

Is anyone else out there the only medwife non-mom? Do you feel included? How do you handle this situation?

7 comments:

Sarah Marie said...

My soon-to-be husband will start at a school in Florida this upcoming summer/fall...

I don't know what to say to you other than I'm dearly hoping I don't run into the same scenario as you! B and I don't plan on having kids for... years at least. So the isolation of having no sans-kiddo friends would do me in.

Props to you for handling it maturely!

I guess if I were you, I'd probably meet up with the other medwives occasionally, but build a strong base of friends whose share other interests of yours. (like, knitting? or reading? or painting the town red? or hiking? or whatever it is you do.)

That way you have a good mix of people who "get you" but don't always have to rely on the medwifemommies for that support you crave.

Drew said...

I actually have the opposite problem. Since we moved to NY for residency we're one of the few couple who are actually married. Only one couple has children. We don't have a support system or club and it's hard sometimes. I've been trying to track down e-mails and such but my husband only sees his fellow interns occasionally since they all are on different rotations.

MJ said...

Oh my gosh. Amen, sister! No organized SO groups over here either! We're in our first year of my hubby's schooling. We are one of four married couples at this campus of ONE HUNDRED first year students. That means there are only two other wives (the wife is the MD candidate for one couple). I've met one of them once, and that was it! Zip, zilch, nothing else. I got going with a group of wives whose husbands are all further along in schooling (most residents). Out of the dozen of us, I am the ONLY one without kids. They all have at least two. Since August, there have been three additional babies added to the mix. While it is good to have other wives who actually understand and get it, medicine is really the only thing in life where we relate.

If we lived close, we would be bosom buddies. For sure :) It is nice to know I am not the only sole-wife out there!

Mandy, The Mother of All Chaos said...

Ok. So. We had the BEST SO in the entire history of the world. I loved it so much I thrilled to be able to be president of it! AND I have 4 kids.

On that note....

I was sick to death of talking about kids. Some of it had to do with that my kids are older- 11-7 and we were over playdates and sleeping and feeding woes... but most of it had to do with- I am still ME. And I want people to know ME and I want to know THEM, not their kids or my kids. I want to grow as a person and learn to craft something or cook something or exercise something or shop til I drop with good girly gossip during it.

So- my biggest advice to all those groups is always- great to find commonalities BUT keep the kid talk to a minimum at functions and events... you'll discover who you are and who other people are by doing that more!

Just my humble opinion ;0) BUT..... GOOD FOR YOU for stepping up and trying and making the effort. And remember- there are women out there who feel the same as you, it's just gonna take a bit more work to dig and find them, and I'm sorry it is that way for you. HUGS.

K said...

I do notice I tend to form friendships easier with med wives who do not have children. So you are onto something very real. Personally, I dread having my life revolve around kids so much that it's all I talk about, to the point that it scares off potential childless friends!

However, in medical school, more and more students are getting in at later ages and it kind of makes sense that they are married with kids. That is probably why there are considerably fewer childless med couples.

The above commenter is on the money. Medicine is only one thing. All of my uni friends are not in medicine. I have a great (even better) time with them because they aren't in competition over who is prettiest, richest, etc.

Keely said...

Oh honey that is awful!!! My husband's school doesn't have a club, but I have managed to meet some girls. I actually got really lucky because our group of about 6 couples are all married and only one has a daughter and another on the way.

That really stinks that you got pushed out like that :( I wish I could tell you something...besides keep looking. Because they really do make a difference.

And I know it's not much of a consolation... but we're always here in bloggy world (even though sometimes I feel outnumbered in this mommy world too)

lifeofadoctorswife said...

Same story here - no organized groups. And a lot of my husband's co-residents are parents or single. It does make it harder to hang out. Not that I'm opposed to having friends with kids, but I don't seem to have anything to offer them, you know?

Wish I knew the answer to feeling included. But I'm a big ol' hermit... So I just stay home!